A Christian Horror Story

Today just has me drained. I know that not all Christians are like this; of course I do because most of my friends are Christians and they represent the type of Christians I feel should be more prominent in this modern-day. Kind, caring, helpful, thoughtful, and accepting Christians. But I tell you what… When a Christian movie comes to the movie theater, it attracts the type of Christians that could potentially make my Christian friends lose their faith in Jesus along with humanity. I got to see the full spectrum of Christians today from good all the way to bad! The honest, Jesus Christ loving Christians, the God fearing Christians, the Soul Saving Christians, the Hippichristians, the fake Christians, the super-fake Christians that only go to church to get inside some hot girls pants, and finally — the ones that really drained me, the Judgmental Christians, and the God Warrior Christians.

The Judgmental Christians and the God Warrior Christians are the type of Christians that even my best friends, who are honest, Jesus loving Christians would probably feel just as ashamed of for having them included within their own faith. Over the past three days, I’ve had to deal with this. Mainly Friday, and Sunday (today). Opening day of “Son of God” was bad, and the Sunday viewing of “Son of God” was even worse. Both these days, someone had to come up and push my buttons.

I’ll skip Friday and just talk about today (Sunday).

The problem I’m having with the Christian faith is that there aren’t enough honest Christians walking around. In the seven hours I’ve spent today at the movie theater, I’ve seen more of the type of Christians that want confrontation and a reason to judge than the type of Christian that I’m often told about that exist. You know, the Christian that won’t judge; the Christian that is loving and accepting.

Finding what is widely considered a “True Christian” is like finding a four leaf clover. You have to look really hard because they’re all the same color and all the other clovers are more prominent because they are so greater in number. I’ve said this before; I have no problem with faith, I just have a problem with assholes and it givesĀ  a pretty decent illusion that I dislike people of faith. The last three days certainly helped taint my image.

It all started today when I prepared to clean theater nine. “Son of God” was just getting out and most of the masses (pun intended) clapped loudly at the movie and cheered in the wake of the Son of God’s demise. Odd, yes, I know. I read both Bibles and I still don’t understand why everyone was so happy about their role model dying a violent death, but that’s beside the point — most everyone had left but there were small patches of people here and there that wanted to stay to see the credits; that was fine, I just walked to the top row and began working my way down with the dreaded dust pan and broom. None of the audience was near the top two landings so that gave me roughly 12-14 seats to clean without hindering anyone’s viewing experience.

When I got to the second landing from the top, that’s when I was within “conversation” distance from one of the customers and it was all downhill from there. Thanks to the massive mess left behind by all the customers that decided to leave entire dinner trays for me to pick up after, I had to make a run to the trash cans already. But I couldn’t do this at that very moment because a smiling older man and his group of judgmental friends were waiting for me. That’s right, they had spotted me all alone and his pack had targeted me for assimilation in much the same way the Borg roamed the stars in “The Next Generation”. I didn’t make my decision on what type of Christian these people were right away; I always give benefit of the doubt but by the way they just lingered and waited for me, I took a lucky guess how this conversation was going to go and I did everything I could to avoid it.

“That was the greatest movie ever made, you know! I’m surprised you didn’t stop to take a moment to appreciate the most important parts of the movie that were playing during the credits.”

He was referring to clips of the movie that played out in small boxes at the top corner of the screen as the credits were rolling. I decided, I need this job — I’m not going to get drawn into a conversation with him and give him or his group the opportunity to interrogate me further. I nodded the screen and then to my bucket and informed the man, kindly, with a full smile.

“Yeah, I guess I could have but I’m the only usher today and I have sixteen theaters to clean. Can’t get behind. I’m glad you enjoyed the movie, sir. Have a great afternoon.”

“This isn’t a movie, son… This is history!” He said with glee.

I just smiled and walked past him. I made down the next few landings and around the corner faster than his group could walk but let me tell you, I had never seen a group of people in their sixties walk this fast after me before in my life. I had to check my pockets to see if I had a bottle of Ensure with me or something because they were breaking records to get back to me.

Sure enough, they caught up to me again as I was dumping all of the smuggled in food from Johnny Rockets, Target, and Jimmy Johns.

“I bet you’ve seen this piece of priceless history more than once! You do get to see movies for free, don’t you?” His wife asked me — at least, I think it was his wife. So there they were, the man, two women, and some other guy I’ve never seen before. All smiling at me in silence. What the hell did I do to deserve being put into such a situation?!

“I’m sure it’s very interesting,” I was running out of room to wiggle out of saying “no” at this point.

“Well, have you seen it? It’s been out for almost three days now! C’mon. How many times have you seen it?” The old man asked. I couldn’t tell whether he truly thought I had seen this movie more than once and was, for some reason an entertainment center for him and his wife along with their friends, or if they were just searching for confrontation. Either way, they were persistent about it so I gave them my answer.

“Nah, I haven’t seen it.”
“You should!” His (assumed) wife replied. “It’s important!”
“You get to see movies for free and you haven’t seen this yet? Why not, son?”

First off, I was getting angry at him calling me Son. Nobody calls me Son. The only two people in the world that earned the right to call me Son was my Dad, and my Mom. It took all I could to not explode on him right then and there. I don’t know why he was calling me son but if it took turning my back on him and possibly getting into trouble for being rude, oh well… I somehow covered up my feelings and tried once more to wiggle out of the awkward conversation once more.

“I’m busy all the time and when I’m not working, the last place I want to be is here, too. I’m glad you enjoyed the movie! Have a good afternoon. I really need to get back.”

“This needs to be the first movie you see next time! And you need to see it before it’s out of here.” He demanded. I think I even heard one of the women say ‘Amen’. “You look like a true Christian, son and I wanna hear your thoughts on it next time I come to watch it. I’ll be here to see it again! So what church you go to?”

I think the whole ‘son’ thing was really getting to me. I did the ‘I’m walking backwards slowly’ trick but that’s when it got really creepy. It was a dark hallway and the group of four kept walking toward me between the shadows and the light. It was the most ominous, creepy feeling I had all day to be literally stalked like that. It was something right out of a Stephen King novel. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I don’t go to church because I’m not Christian and I’m not going to see this movie because I don’t believe in it. I read the book before the movie came out anyway and I was none too impressed, especially with the first novel. I’m glad you enjoyed the movie, please, come again soon.”

I should have chosen to tell them this when they were under one of the intense MR16 light-bulbs in the ceiling. That was the worst part because in this really dark hallway behind the stadium seating, all I saw were silhouettes outlined by a slither of light that emanated from the main hallway as it draped across the dull red carpet behind the outline of their figures. I couldn’t see their faces or their reactions, only that they had all stopped walking toward me.

From the darkness I heard gasps of shock and someone even smacked their lips.

Finally the voice of the old man replied,
“I’m very disappointed. How could you not believe?!” He asks. “How do you explain this GODLY movie?”

I started walking backwards once more because I had to stop for a brief moment to take in the eerie sight of their demeanor. I had enough of the creepiness at that point and just wanted to get into the well-lit theater and clean.

“Cameras, a script, a movie company, and the projectors! Have a nice day, sir!” And I ran around the corner.

If “Son of God” left the theaters and went to DVD tomorrow, it wouldn’t be soon enough!

Leave a Reply